Is Your Child A Bully, or Being Bullied?

Bullying is a form of aggression in which one person uses perceived or real power to intentionally and repeatedly cause distress or harm to another person. The bullying can take on one or more forms.

Physical bullying involves actions that harm a victim or the victim’s belongings. Verbal bullying uses vocal insults teasing or name calling.

Social bullying is less noticeable, but still has significant effects on a victim. It can include things like spreading gossip or rumors, excluding a person from a group or activity, lying or playing nasty practical jokes.

Psychological bullying can include threat, intimidation, stalking and manipulation.

With technological advances, cyberbullying has become more common. It involves uses e-mail, texts, phones, chat rooms and social networking sites to harass, intimidate or spread rumors or gossip about a victim.

Researchers estimate nearly 27 percent of middle school students and 16 percent of high school students are victims of bullying. Females are more likely to be bullied than males. The survey also found 7.5 percent of middle school students and 8.4 percent of high school students have bullied others. Another study found 11 percent of middle school students are victims of cyberbullying.

Bullying can have serious effects on a victim. Beyond the physical nature of some attacks, the emotional toll adds up.

Children who are bullied are at high risk for physical complaints (like headaches and stomachaches), sleep problems, depression and anxiety. Victims are at risk for poor academic performance and are more likely to miss school or drop out of school. In rare instances, a victim of bullying will attempt or succeed in taking his/her life.

Bullies also have consequences for their behavior. They are at increased risk for the same health problems as their victims. Bullies are also more likely to be involved in fights, criminal behavior, alcohol and drug abuse and future spousal/partner abuse.

Reducing a Child’s Risk of Being a Victim Bullies choose their targets based on their perception of power over the victim.

Children who aren’t very popular, have few friends, don’t conform to expected norms, lack assertiveness, have poor self esteem or are depressed or anxious are at higher risk for becoming a victim of bullying.

Judy Belmont, M.S., Psychotherapist in Allentown, PA, says one way to diminish a bully’s power is to avoid showing fear. She recommends a technique, called fogging, when confronted by a bully. Instead of responding with a defensive argument or emotional outburst, don’t let your feelings be known. Think of yourself as being in a fog and the insults as being absorbed into the fog before they reach you. Then reply with a neutral response, like “really?” or “maybe” or “you are entitled to your own opinion.” Then walk away.

Defusing the situation takes away the bully’s power and incentive to provoke the person again.

Lora Shor, Psychotherapist in Bryn Mawr, PA, says parents should also work at improving a child’s self esteem. In addition it’s important to keep the line of communication open.

Talk with the child about what’s happening at school, who their friends are and who they are talking to on the computer and telephone. If a parent notices any unusual changes in behaviors, social withdrawal or problems at school (including refusal to go to school), it’s important to find out what’s going on. It may be helpful to talk with the child’s teachers to find out if they have noticed any problems with peers.

If a parent is unable to uncover the cause of the child’s behavior changes, or needs help addressing bullying, school counselors or professional counseling may be of help.

Belmont and Shor have written a self-help book, called The Swiss Cheese Theory of Life. They say life is full of holes, like Swiss cheese, and sometimes we get stuck in those holes. The goal of the book is to help people learn from life’s challenges and become more resilient. The book stresses communication skills, a healthy lifestyle, positive thinking, stress reduction and balancing life.Research compiled and edited by Barbara J. Fister.

(originally posted by wsoctv.com in Charlotte, NC)

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